and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
