i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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