I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Did I show you my penis last night?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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