Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
