i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
