Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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