This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I puked a lego.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
