I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Randomize
