we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
