I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
