oh fat girl friday strikes again...
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
