We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
