It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
