You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
