Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
