I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
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