i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
