i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
