if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
