i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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