I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
