i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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