Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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