I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
