I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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