you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
