She announced her abortion via fbk
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
