i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
birth control should be required to get into college
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
