Your dad touched me again.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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