well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize