I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
