i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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