Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
