I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Randomize
