ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
