Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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