it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Randomize
