bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
