look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
