I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
