i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
