I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
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