life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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