It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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