U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
