I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
