My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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