if you like me you must not know who I am
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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