You really coming over, don't trick.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize