Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
