I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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