I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize