I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
one two three fourrrrnication!
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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