Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize