Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
