Pappa wants mamma naked
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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