My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
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