I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
