you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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